Attempting To Name The Unnamed

I don't know how to describe this feeling. It's like I'm searching for something, but I don't know what I supposed to be looking for, and I keep getting mad at everyone who tries to help me. It's like being calm, annoyed, sad, angry, loopy, and lonely all at the same time. And I keep getting frustrated with myself. Why am I feeling this unnamed feeling? I don't want to be around anyone, yet when I'm by myself I feel lonely. I feel really unproductive, which is a valid feeling because I've been procrastinating so much recently. But it's annoying because I want to do work, and feel productive, I just can't. I mean not much is even occurring in my life. I get like one shift a week at BF, E is being a bitch to me, I ruined my fave shirts/ sweaters when I washed them by accident and my mom started bitching at me, I'm stressing about college, because I still haven't applied to Tufts, I'm wishing I hadn't applied to BU or UDel, and E made me really nervous about acceptances when she smirked at me (and gave me one of those aw Laurel you're so pathetic you know nothing looks) when I said I was confident about getting into most of my school. Boy T has decided to text me again, although for the life of me I cannot fathom why, and with any boy I could actually be with, nothing is working out/ I don't have romantic feelings for anyone, even though I really want to like someone/ be with someone. I just can't. I feel like my teachers are starting to dislike me too; my psych and my math teacher. Although this could just be sleep-deprivation induced paranoia. Idk.

School? Or hell on earth?

SCHOOL IS EATING ME ALIVE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THESE NEXT TWO DAYS HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

*rabid, wild eyes* *pulling hair out* *foaming at mouth*

all I have done for the past week and half has been school work.

Like how am I supposed to a). maintain my A average when EVERY FUCKING SUBJECT IS GOING HAM JESUS CHRIST CALM THE FUCK DOWN b). apply to colleges with December 1st deadlines HOW c). do 35 hours of community service d). HAVE A NORMAL LIFE/SOCIALIZE WITH FRIENDS/BE ABLE TO DO THINGS FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS/NOT SPEND LUNCHES IN THE LIBRARY.

omg someone please give me the answer PLEASe. also, I would really like to know what I was thinking when I signed up to do Calc, APES, and global voice. Oh lord almighty, save me.

2.5 days Laurel, come on you can do disssssssssssss

#rantover #reallygladnoonefollowsthisblog #imafreak #ohwell #;sdfihlaksadfkjh

Male Meditations

Why do I still think about Nick sometimes? It's been almost a year since I met him for the first time, and we've been broken up for twice as long as when we were dating. And he dumped me. Both times. Twice. It's not even like he was a phenomenal boyfriend, because he wasn't. We fought all the time and I saw him like once a week. We came from separate, (incompatible, it seems) ideologies. According to him, we "weren't right for each other." So why do I still think about him? Do I miss him?  I don't miss him, I just miss the idea of him. It almost irritates me because I have literally no reason to. I haven't spoken with him since June. And yet I still think of him almost every day. Is that natural? Around August my friends got tired of hearing about him, and they kept asking me why I always talked about him. I didn't have a good answer, (and I still don't), so I just stopped. Talking about him, that is. I guess it's because he dumped me, which I never expected. Our relationship was like an inverse function. Fuck I sound like a nerd. At the beginning, he liked me way more than I liked him, and as I gradually started to like him more and more, his interest waned. I always thought that I would be the one to break up with him, and yet it was he who ended things, pretty much totally out of the blue. So maybe that's why I've always held on to him, because he's "the one that got away"/ unrequited feelings. This never really mattered before, though. But now it's getting in the way of my feelings for other boys. I always do this thing where I intensely like a boy, go after him and flirt with him, and then, once he starts liking me back, I stop liking him. I don't know why. I feel terrible leading guys on, but I do it all the time. I'll even admit it. And I think it's because whenever I think of a boyfriend, I always think of Nick. As of now, he's been my first and only ever boyfriend. So I guess that when I think of what a boyfriend is, I think of him. Which is stupid, I know. But I can't help it. I really want to get over him. But I think that there'll always be a small, even tiny, portion of me that thinks about him. I hope some day I'll get over it. I should. We're obviously never getting back together. Ever. My friends would be so fucking mad at me, and I would probably be mad at myself too. But whenever a picture of his pops up on my newsfeed, I'm always randomly reminded of him and how cute he is. And the pattern repeats itself. Fall for him, remind myself that he was a fucking douche bag, and get over him (x2). I guess in my head, I just imagine a fantasy relationship that was never the reality. When I think of our relationship, I think of all the cute moments we had; when he brought me chocolate on valentines day, when we snuggled, that weird face he always made. I never really think of the bad things; how much we fought, how aggressive he sometimes was, how he always backed out of things. I don't really know what to do. I guess I'm just thinking about him alot recently because sometime this month, it'll have been a year since I met him. And December 17th will be what would have been our 1 year anniversary. I just find myself thinking about how potentially different my life would be if we were still together. Would it be different? Would I be happier? Less happy? I find myself wondering what would have happened if that text he sent me right after our date had gone through, and we hadn't gone through a week of silence the second time around, if we actually had had a conversation about where our relationship was going the second time. But that text didn't go through, and we broke up more than 5 months ago. So why do I still think about him every day. He fucking suckss. He's a little bitch. He's a douche bag. He's a gender confused man. I'm so afraid of going to Nashoba because I KNOW that I'm going to end up sitting next to him on the chairlift every day.  Because that would be typical of my luck. I saw his sister the other day at Hilary's soccer game, and his mom, but only her from afar. I still love his sister. And I met his friends. They talked about him a lot. It was weird to be reminded that he's still existing, still living a life out there. It's kind of funny because in our last conversation with each other, I told him to his face (well to the phone) that I knew he would never talk to me again. Naturally he said that wouldn't happen, and that he wouldn't just disappear, and that he would talk to me again in like two weeks. It's probably a good thing that he didn't, and hasn't since, because I don't think that we're the type of people that can just be friends. It's all or nothing. But the thing is, this Nick issue is really becoming a problem, because I really want to move on. I want to be with other boys. I want to have another boyfriend. I've been talking to Boy Z for like a month now, and I'm kind of talking to Boy A again. (As an update, Boy B has a girlfriend now. But that's a longer, unrelated, unimportant story). The thing is, though, I don't really like Boy Z anymore. I know I'm just leading him on now, but I just can't make myself like him anymore. He just doesn't talk. Like when we talk, it's pretty much just me talking at him. And also, I really don't have to start all over again. I was the second girl Nick ever kissed, and I caught him up to speed, but I feel like with Boy Z, I'd have to do the same thing over again, and I don't really feel like spending the time or the energy. With Boy A, I've already led him on once. And so I don't want to do anything with him until I know how I feel about him for certain, because I honestly feel like a bitch leading him on, and don't want to do that again, because he doesn't deserve it. So moral of this really long, digressing rant, is that I need to forget about Nick, and figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with these boys/my life.

Rant about A

How funny is it that if you had asked me a year ago if I would still be talking to my best friend ten years from now, I would have said yes immediately and without hesitation, and now I doubt we'll even talk next year? Pretty damn hysterical. Hah sometimes it's laughable how much people have changed. I still get so mad about it, and when I see certain people I'm so overcome with rage it's debilitating. I'm going to tell the real story now. I wrote this tumblr post awhile ago and then quickly deleted it because even though you've made it abundantly clear that we're no longer friends, I STILL didn't want to hurt you. I don't even know why because it's not like you've ever spared me that sentiment. So here it is, written in full out rant style:

"So I know I said that I was over it, and that I wish “nothing but the best for you,” but I take it all back. Seeing you and your new best friend tweet retarded (and yes I feel uncomfortable saying that word but theres no good subsitute) shit WHILE YOURE HANGING OUT just set me right off. (who the fuck even does that? like what the fuck is the point of tweeting inside jokes back and forth when youre probably fucking sitting right next to each other? like I really dont need a daily fucking reminder of how “bestfriendy” you guys are. if i have to see another tweet of your and hers saying OMG I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND im going to fucking kill someone). So I’m going to explode now. Honestly don’t give me this “I miss my best friend” shit. If I was really your best friend you’d fucking call me instead of hiding behind your tumblr like a coward. Every time we’ve been in a fight, I’ve always been the stronger person and called you and worked things out, even though I always ended up apologizing for things I never was sorry for, never achieved what I wanted, and never got any change from you. When we were fighting on your birthday, I fucking called YOU and worked things out, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I hate asking for forgiveness. And I had legitimate reason to be mad. But I sucked it up because it was your birthday and I loved you, and things were fine, because you said you’d put more effort into our friendship, and perhaps maybe call me, text me, or ask me to hang out first, and not the other way around. Well guess what bitch, its been six fucking months and I’m still waiting for that phone call or text. When my birthday came around, I fucking KNOW it had to have crossed your mind about how we hadnt talked for months, and when it was your birthday I called you. But no, you sent me a fucking text at 7 in the morning to give the illusion of caring, without really trying because youre a coward. And then you hugged me in school and it was the fakest thing ever. And then you called me later that night, and when I didn’t pick up, but texted you back, you texted me back, instead of calling me. and at the end of the conversation, you said “love you, i want to hear all about your birthday some other time.” Biggest fucking bullshit I have ever heard in my life. Youve made it perfectly clear that you don’t give a shit about me or ANYTHING going on in my life, much less love me, and it’s been a month and I am still waiting for you to ask me how my birthday was, not that you’d care, because you don’t care about anyone other than yourself, or maybe your new best friend. I bet when the time comes around, you’re going to do everything that you never did for me. I bet you already got her birthday present (on time). I bet you’re going to call her at midnight. I bet you’re going to spend the whole day with her. Whatever. At this point, I don’t even hate your new best friend. Sometimes, I wonder if she ever even feels guilty knowing that she ruined a twelve year friendship, but thenI have to remind myself that it’s not her fault, it’s yours. Because you can’t handle having three best friends. And someone had to give. And you chose me. ME. Someone who’s been by your fucking side every time you needed it. Everytime you needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there with tissues. Everytime you needed someone to talk to, I was a phonecall away. Anytime you needed advice, I would sacrifice my own time trying to help you improve yours, doing anything I could to help you. Anytime you needed something to do because you were bored and your other friends couldn’t hang out, I was ALWAYS there, because I’m pathetic, and some pathetic part of me thought that it was because you actually cared about me. But you know what, I was ready to forgive that. Because I’m weak, and I give in to desires easily, and I missed you, and I was ready to put that behind and move on. But then my life turned to shit for a solid month. And you did absolutely nothing. One vivid memory I will probably have for the rest of my life will be of me walking up to you at your locker, trying not to cry, and telling you that Nick broke up with me. And you go “oh.” And me, overlooking at your nonchalant reaction, asking for a hug, and you going “um…..yeah i guess.” and giving me the worst damn hug I have ever had in my life. March was literally the worst month of my entire life and not once did you even ask how I was feeling. And I was SO ready to tell you, ready to leap upon the chance to tell you everything, to finally switch roles, and have YOU being the one that nurtured ME. YOU giving ME advice for a change, YOU offering ME a shoulder to cry on. BUT YOU NEVER FUCKING ASKED. You never even called! You didn’t care at all, and that’s when I realized you never had cared, and you never will. I was going through the worst time of my life, and you weren’t there for me. I opened up to you, and reached out in a time of need, which is something i HATE doing. I hate showing that I’m vulnerable, and I hate asking for help. But I did. And you weren’t there for me. And i will never forgive you. 

I’m really only writing this because I know that you will never see this. You don’t follow me on this blog, and a part of me hopes that you will never see this because I know that  it will really hurt your feeling. i know that contradicts everything I just said, but I still feel horrible hurting people, even if it means hurting myself in the process. The other part of me hopes that by some strange power of god you find this blog and read this post and cry and think about how you miss me and beg to be my friend again. Because I’m fucked up and sometimes I still miss you, which makes me feel even more pathetic. And I’m also really only writing this to keep my sanity. I keep bottling all this stuff up, because I don’t want to burden anyone else with my misfortunes, but it always ends up backfiring and I end up having a panic attack because I’m too stressed. So yeah I’m blogging as therapy. I really hope no one ends up reading this far because I sound like a huge bitch."