Male Meditations

Why do I still think about Nick sometimes? It's been almost a year since I met him for the first time, and we've been broken up for twice as long as when we were dating. And he dumped me. Both times. Twice. It's not even like he was a phenomenal boyfriend, because he wasn't. We fought all the time and I saw him like once a week. We came from separate, (incompatible, it seems) ideologies. According to him, we "weren't right for each other." So why do I still think about him? Do I miss him?  I don't miss him, I just miss the idea of him. It almost irritates me because I have literally no reason to. I haven't spoken with him since June. And yet I still think of him almost every day. Is that natural? Around August my friends got tired of hearing about him, and they kept asking me why I always talked about him. I didn't have a good answer, (and I still don't), so I just stopped. Talking about him, that is. I guess it's because he dumped me, which I never expected. Our relationship was like an inverse function. Fuck I sound like a nerd. At the beginning, he liked me way more than I liked him, and as I gradually started to like him more and more, his interest waned. I always thought that I would be the one to break up with him, and yet it was he who ended things, pretty much totally out of the blue. So maybe that's why I've always held on to him, because he's "the one that got away"/ unrequited feelings. This never really mattered before, though. But now it's getting in the way of my feelings for other boys. I always do this thing where I intensely like a boy, go after him and flirt with him, and then, once he starts liking me back, I stop liking him. I don't know why. I feel terrible leading guys on, but I do it all the time. I'll even admit it. And I think it's because whenever I think of a boyfriend, I always think of Nick. As of now, he's been my first and only ever boyfriend. So I guess that when I think of what a boyfriend is, I think of him. Which is stupid, I know. But I can't help it. I really want to get over him. But I think that there'll always be a small, even tiny, portion of me that thinks about him. I hope some day I'll get over it. I should. We're obviously never getting back together. Ever. My friends would be so fucking mad at me, and I would probably be mad at myself too. But whenever a picture of his pops up on my newsfeed, I'm always randomly reminded of him and how cute he is. And the pattern repeats itself. Fall for him, remind myself that he was a fucking douche bag, and get over him (x2). I guess in my head, I just imagine a fantasy relationship that was never the reality. When I think of our relationship, I think of all the cute moments we had; when he brought me chocolate on valentines day, when we snuggled, that weird face he always made. I never really think of the bad things; how much we fought, how aggressive he sometimes was, how he always backed out of things. I don't really know what to do. I guess I'm just thinking about him alot recently because sometime this month, it'll have been a year since I met him. And December 17th will be what would have been our 1 year anniversary. I just find myself thinking about how potentially different my life would be if we were still together. Would it be different? Would I be happier? Less happy? I find myself wondering what would have happened if that text he sent me right after our date had gone through, and we hadn't gone through a week of silence the second time around, if we actually had had a conversation about where our relationship was going the second time. But that text didn't go through, and we broke up more than 5 months ago. So why do I still think about him every day. He fucking suckss. He's a little bitch. He's a douche bag. He's a gender confused man. I'm so afraid of going to Nashoba because I KNOW that I'm going to end up sitting next to him on the chairlift every day.  Because that would be typical of my luck. I saw his sister the other day at Hilary's soccer game, and his mom, but only her from afar. I still love his sister. And I met his friends. They talked about him a lot. It was weird to be reminded that he's still existing, still living a life out there. It's kind of funny because in our last conversation with each other, I told him to his face (well to the phone) that I knew he would never talk to me again. Naturally he said that wouldn't happen, and that he wouldn't just disappear, and that he would talk to me again in like two weeks. It's probably a good thing that he didn't, and hasn't since, because I don't think that we're the type of people that can just be friends. It's all or nothing. But the thing is, this Nick issue is really becoming a problem, because I really want to move on. I want to be with other boys. I want to have another boyfriend. I've been talking to Boy Z for like a month now, and I'm kind of talking to Boy A again. (As an update, Boy B has a girlfriend now. But that's a longer, unrelated, unimportant story). The thing is, though, I don't really like Boy Z anymore. I know I'm just leading him on now, but I just can't make myself like him anymore. He just doesn't talk. Like when we talk, it's pretty much just me talking at him. And also, I really don't have to start all over again. I was the second girl Nick ever kissed, and I caught him up to speed, but I feel like with Boy Z, I'd have to do the same thing over again, and I don't really feel like spending the time or the energy. With Boy A, I've already led him on once. And so I don't want to do anything with him until I know how I feel about him for certain, because I honestly feel like a bitch leading him on, and don't want to do that again, because he doesn't deserve it. So moral of this really long, digressing rant, is that I need to forget about Nick, and figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with these boys/my life.