"So I know I said that I was over it, and that I wish “nothing but the best for you,” but I take it all back. Seeing you and your new best friend tweet retarded (and yes I feel uncomfortable saying that word but theres no good subsitute) shit WHILE YOURE HANGING OUT just set me right off. (who the fuck even does that? like what the fuck is the point of tweeting inside jokes back and forth when youre probably fucking sitting right next to each other? like I really dont need a daily fucking reminder of how “bestfriendy” you guys are. if i have to see another tweet of your and hers saying OMG I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND im going to fucking kill someone). So I’m going to explode now. Honestly don’t give me this “I miss my best friend” shit. If I was really your best friend you’d fucking call me instead of hiding behind your tumblr like a coward. Every time we’ve been in a fight, I’ve always been the stronger person and called you and worked things out, even though I always ended up apologizing for things I never was sorry for, never achieved what I wanted, and never got any change from you. When we were fighting on your birthday, I fucking called YOU and worked things out, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I hate asking for forgiveness. And I had legitimate reason to be mad. But I sucked it up because it was your birthday and I loved you, and things were fine, because you said you’d put more effort into our friendship, and perhaps maybe call me, text me, or ask me to hang out first, and not the other way around. Well guess what bitch, its been six fucking months and I’m still waiting for that phone call or text. When my birthday came around, I fucking KNOW it had to have crossed your mind about how we hadnt talked for months, and when it was your birthday I called you. But no, you sent me a fucking text at 7 in the morning to give the illusion of caring, without really trying because youre a coward. And then you hugged me in school and it was the fakest thing ever. And then you called me later that night, and when I didn’t pick up, but texted you back, you texted me back, instead of calling me. and at the end of the conversation, you said “love you, i want to hear all about your birthday some other time.” Biggest fucking bullshit I have ever heard in my life. Youve made it perfectly clear that you don’t give a shit about me or ANYTHING going on in my life, much less love me, and it’s been a month and I am still waiting for you to ask me how my birthday was, not that you’d care, because you don’t care about anyone other than yourself, or maybe your new best friend. I bet when the time comes around, you’re going to do everything that you never did for me. I bet you already got her birthday present (on time). I bet you’re going to call her at midnight. I bet you’re going to spend the whole day with her. Whatever. At this point, I don’t even hate your new best friend. Sometimes, I wonder if she ever even feels guilty knowing that she ruined a twelve year friendship, but thenI have to remind myself that it’s not her fault, it’s yours. Because you can’t handle having three best friends. And someone had to give. And you chose me. ME. Someone who’s been by your fucking side every time you needed it. Everytime you needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there with tissues. Everytime you needed someone to talk to, I was a phonecall away. Anytime you needed advice, I would sacrifice my own time trying to help you improve yours, doing anything I could to help you. Anytime you needed something to do because you were bored and your other friends couldn’t hang out, I was ALWAYS there, because I’m pathetic, and some pathetic part of me thought that it was because you actually cared about me. But you know what, I was ready to forgive that. Because I’m weak, and I give in to desires easily, and I missed you, and I was ready to put that behind and move on. But then my life turned to shit for a solid month. And you did absolutely nothing. One vivid memory I will probably have for the rest of my life will be of me walking up to you at your locker, trying not to cry, and telling you that Nick broke up with me. And you go “oh.” And me, overlooking at your nonchalant reaction, asking for a hug, and you going “um…..yeah i guess.” and giving me the worst damn hug I have ever had in my life. March was literally the worst month of my entire life and not once did you even ask how I was feeling. And I was SO ready to tell you, ready to leap upon the chance to tell you everything, to finally switch roles, and have YOU being the one that nurtured ME. YOU giving ME advice for a change, YOU offering ME a shoulder to cry on. BUT YOU NEVER FUCKING ASKED. You never even called! You didn’t care at all, and that’s when I realized you never had cared, and you never will. I was going through the worst time of my life, and you weren’t there for me. I opened up to you, and reached out in a time of need, which is something i HATE doing. I hate showing that I’m vulnerable, and I hate asking for help. But I did. And you weren’t there for me. And i will never forgive you.
I’m really only writing this because I know that you will never see this. You don’t follow me on this blog, and a part of me hopes that you will never see this because I know that it will really hurt your feeling. i know that contradicts everything I just said, but I still feel horrible hurting people, even if it means hurting myself in the process. The other part of me hopes that by some strange power of god you find this blog and read this post and cry and think about how you miss me and beg to be my friend again. Because I’m fucked up and sometimes I still miss you, which makes me feel even more pathetic. And I’m also really only writing this to keep my sanity. I keep bottling all this stuff up, because I don’t want to burden anyone else with my misfortunes, but it always ends up backfiring and I end up having a panic attack because I’m too stressed. So yeah I’m blogging as therapy. I really hope no one ends up reading this far because I sound like a huge bitch."
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